emotion |iˈmō sh ən|
noun
a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationships with others : she was attempting to control her emotions | his voice was low and shaky with emotion.
• any of the particular feelings that characterize such a state of mind, such as joy, anger, love, hate, horror, etc. : fear had become his dominant emotion.
• instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge : responses have to be based on historical insight, not simply on emotion.
I know a lot of people are surprised when they find out I can cry. I don’t know why. I’m just as human as everyone else. I have thoughts, dreams, ambitions, and emotions. I don’t often show them, or tell anyone about them, but they’re still there.
I don’t know why I don’t show my emotions. As it was once explained to me, the moment I enter a situation I don’t like, I pull a Batman and “Shields UP!”
Which, I guess, is true.
I think maybe there’s some part of me, deep down, that doesn’t want to show my emotions, because then I look vulnerable. Vulnerability is something I grew up unable to show. My mother taught me independence, and I always thought being independent was being strong, no matter what. Not letting anyone get to you, no matter what they say or do.
And that’s how I’ve lived my life. I’ve taken all the shit the world has thrown at me, and not let it bother me.
But now it’s really coming back to bite me in the ass.
Nobody knows how I feel anymore. They all think I have two emotions: Happy and pissed off. Most of them don’t even think I know how to cry anymore. If only they really knew how I was feeling half the time.
But then again, maybe it’s best if they don’t.
Because it would probably scare them all away.
It’s almost scared me away.
[video]
tired |tīrd|
adjective
in need of sleep or rest; weary : Fisher rubbed his tired eyes | she was tired out now that the strain was over.
• [ predic. ] ( tired of) bored with : I have to look after these animals when you get tired of them.
• (of a thing) no longer fresh or in good condition : a few boxes of tired vegetables.
• (esp. of a statement or idea) boring or uninteresting because overfamiliar : tired clichés like the “information revolution.”
I’m tired of being a teenager.
I’m tired of being angry and not doing anything about it.
I’m tired of being compared to other people.
I’m tired of being fat.
I’m tired of being right.
I’m tired of being scared.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of being ugly.
I’m tired of being wrong.
I’m tired of dealing with people.
I’m tired of disappointing everyone.
I’m tired of feeling alone.
I’m tired of feeling out of control.
I’m tired of feeling stupid.
I’m tired of feeling unimportant.
I’m tired of going to school.
I’m tired of hating people.
I’m tired of having emotions.
I’m tired of hiding my feelings all the time.
I’m tired of lies.
I’m tired of my life.
I’m tired of not being able to just be me.
I’m tired of not being able to speak up.
I’m tired of not being the prettiest person in the room.
I’m tired of not being the smartest person in the room.
I’m tired of not getting the best marks.
I’m tired of not letting go.
I’m tired of people expecting more of me because they think I’m smart.
I’m tired of people liking one thing after I’ve liked it for much longer, and they say they like it more because they’re more vocal about it.
I’m tired of people not listening to me.
I’m tired of people telling me I’m smart.
I’m tired of people telling me what not to do.
I’m tired of people telling me what not to wear.
I’m tired of people telling me what to do.
I’m tired of people telling me what to wear.
I’m tired of people.
I’m tired of pretending to care.
I’m tired of thinking.
I’m tired of worrying.
I’m tired.
I’m so tired that I can’t even sleep anymore.
Alibis- Marianas Trench
Decided to Break It- Marianas Trench
Mobile- Avril Lavigne
Smooth Criminal- 2CELLOS (Sulic & Hauser)
Twilight [New Moon]- Travis Garland
When We Were Young- The Summer Set
grow up: advance to maturity; spend one’s childhood and adolescence : a young Muslim woman who grew up in Philadelphia. • [often in imperative ] begin to behave or think sensibly and realistically : grow up, sister, and come into the real world. • arise; develop : a school of painting grew up in Cuzco.
Growing up is the one thing that I’m most terrified of in life. I’m not afraid of dying, or clowns, or the dark. I’m not afraid of imperfection or sickness or heights. But something about the idea of growing up terrifies me. It’s not about being older. Being older doesn’t mean you’re a grown up. It’s like they say: Age is just a number. I could be a hundred and seven; I still wouldn’t be a grown up. Being a grown-up means being responsible, being mature, taking care of yourself, thinking of others. I’m not trying to be selfish or anything. I’ll happily think of others, and help them out when they need it. But I’m scared of being responsible for myself. What if I mess up? What if I end up being too responsible, and not having any fun? What if I do something stupid when I’m trying to be responsible? And I don’t particularly want to be responsible. I just… I don’t know. There’s something about it that makes me cringe. I feel like if I become responsible and a grown up, I can never go back to being a child, doing fun things just because I can, and not worrying about things. Just letting go, and not being angry at everyone all the time. Enjoying the little things- like popping bubble wrap or blowing the fluff off of dandelions. Because when I try to be grown up and responsible, it feels like that part of me just melts away. I’m angry at everyone. Nothing seems any fun anymore, not even snowball fights or bubble wrap. And it hurts. It hurts me to hate everyone. It hurts me to not have fun. I feel scared and alone, but I can’t show it, because otherwise people will know I’m just a little kid on the inside. A scared, lonely little girl who wants to be herself, but she just can’t, because then she’s being immature. That’s when I turn to my dark side, if you will. I listen to darker, edgier music. I wear darker clothes. My attitude does a complete 360, and all of a sudden, instead of smiling and laughing at everything, I want to fly into a rage every time someone laughs. Or, I feel angry that they can have fun, and not be chastised for it, because they don’t have to be grown ups. I wish I were back in the time where I didn’t have to worry about whether not I acted like a child or not, because I was one. Getting messy was okay. Cuts and bruises were reminders of a fantastic adventure. The coolest thing to have was a DS or a Tamagotchi. I absolutely abhor it when someone tells me to grow up. But when I think about it, sometimes I wonder if they feel the same as I do? Are they scared on the inside? Are they still children on the inside too? Every once in while, there’s one or two people that you can tell are just like me. They’re scared, and childish, but unless you’re looking for it, you’d never know. The people that I admire the most though, are the ones that are still children on the outside. Those are the people that truly inspire me, and make me fell like maybe it’s okay to be scared of growing up. Maybe it’s alright to still want to be a child. Even though I know it can’t happen, I want so desperately to be picked up and flown off to Neverland, where I’ll never, never have to worry about grown-up things again. It’s the one place where I would be free to be myself, and hold onto the soothing insanity that is childhood.
Which I intend to make as messed up and scary as the inside of my mind.